I've not felt very motivated lately to do much of anything that doesn't feel immediately rewarding. I'm in a weird state of unrest, there are so many things on the priority list that feel unreachable and I've generally not felt truly alive in a while. My social life has been pretty moot, the winter has been grueling, and being an adult is exhausting when I really just want to play and escape. I struggle finding ways to entertain myself as I haven't always been good at self-motivating. A lot of my creativity stemmed from initial feelings of alienation anyway, but now the glaring lack of worldly engagement is harrowing. As an adult I long to return to a time when I had lots of friends but very little worry. However fleeting those moments may have been, I recognize myself whenever I feel that whimsical and curious spirit return and know I'm at my best when having fun. And so far as an adult, I've found it difficult connecting with peers outside of their seeming obsession with monetary pursuits. I could definitely use some money to fund my life and get a car which will then open new doors I've been unable to access as a non-driver, but even outside of money, there's still a need for socializing that's been sorely unmet for the most part. My trauma brain pieces together bits and bobs of past events, good and bad, and I feel like I have yet to cement myself in the world now, build anew... I feel restless yet without much choice or power to change things, which fuels that restlenessness. I feel trapped inside myself, but like my passion and desire and aspirations are bubbling up. Needing a way through... it never feels good to know you're capable of more, ready for more, eager to explore... yet you're basically just existing, taking it day by day, distracting your brain with mindless garbage until some clear path can be carved... I wish I were in the shoes of someone in high demand because I think being NEEDED and having deadlines and things actually benefits me, whereas I burn out if things feel too aimless or redundant and my basic reward centers are not being triggered enough. It's agonizing being me sometimes, with this brain, wanting everything to just align...
top of page
- Mykee
- May 2, 2023
"It's May! Can you believe it???" - newscasters.
Actually, I can. Because here in Illinois it's felt like winter forever, but I'm hopeful things will get moving into a better direction soon. Here are some scattered ramblings!
*Say really nice things to people in an aggressive way. Rather than shouting insults, shout confusingly supportive things at people.
*When I was a kid, my parents had to tell me to "be more sneaky" and "fib" a little because my lil' neurodivergent self was getting myself into trouble and incriminating myself inadvertently... one can be TOO truthful...
*I like having an audience and I wonder if I would've pursued the creative/media arts if people had just paid more attention to me by default without me needing to GET their attention... why do we creatives usually get born out of a need to be seen? There's a common thing there I see in superstars who have terrible mental health relapses and I think it's got a lot to do with trying to use fame/stardom as a placeholder for the love we wish we'd been given by default, and as a means for us to feel valuable and in control SOMEHOW, because maybe there's something deeper inside us where that kid who didn't feel seen is still trying to convince the world we're worth seeing.
*I don't like small talk but I'll say and post shit like this and get existential with people and I'd do public speaking and TED TALKS if asked, yet I freak out and feel self conscious in mundane social situations and struggle approaching people...
What else... what else...
bottom of page