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My friend Claudia thought I ought to share these posts elsewhere, beyond the confines of FACEBOOK.

I am a sensory-seeking type. I DO benefit from external motivation, as I find it difficult to self-motivate to attempt anything I do not personally find enjoyable or immediately rewarding. I seek out dopamine and reward. I often struggle to find that sense of fulfillment and joy within myself without it coming as a response to some "event" or achievement. This has really shot me in the foot when I've realized at 30/31 that I'm not a person who's ever been used to being "happy" by default without there being a reason, and in fact much of my ego was created as a response to feelings of deep depression. This means I basically don't always know who I am or what I like, and I'm in the process of rediscovering that, and finding enjoyment in different things.


I always stick my neck out for people and appreciate people for who they are and for simply existing and being a companion to me.

I rarely need any material gain from them, yet I feel the majority of my relationships only survived as long as others had something to “get” from me, and then I fell out of favor once they saw no use for me.

I do not see the justice in that. Nor do I feel my life has felt reciprocal. I’ve felt instead that no matter how much I give, how considerate I am and how much I try to make others happy, they’ll want to find reasons to be upset or complain about me or what I “didn’t do” rather than appreciating my consistent efforts and displays of love and appreciation towards them.

The moment I stop bending over backwards or expect the same consideration in return I’m called selfish or greedy and told I “never think about anyone else” when in fact I have the opposite issue in which my self-worth tends to depend on how others value me, meaning I’m rarely happy with myself unless others are happy with me, and no matter how much I do for others, they don’t seem to think it’s ever enough…The seemingly endless cycle…


Emotional maturity doesn’t mean “taming/stifling your emotions to appear strong”. It means getting really real about your emotions and letting yourself feel them even when they’re challenging because you realize humans are emotional and complex creatures and part of being human means experiencing a wide gamut of feelings, good and bad, and there’s no shame in that.


*You can do nice things for people without having to boast about it. Lots of people like to exhibit "performative altruism" to make themselves look good in front of people on social media, but they're nasty to people in their daily lives behind the scenes.

*If you're not being open and honest with others, you're only fueling the continued "societal masking" that has us all convinced we're alone in our struggles - we believe everyone else is doing better than us because they're also hiding behind a mask. If we're to collectively heal, we need to get real (with each other and ourselves)...


Hey, been a while since I thought to use this. But the gist is, I have my big film project in the works (HONEYMOON IN RED) that's in post to be edited. I've been severely sidetracked by life stuff. My best friend and band mate Pierson Dapier (drummer and songwriter with me in Moonbear Startiger) passed recently. He's also starred as Lars in LARS AND TINA'S PRETTY DOPE DAY and many other films of mine. That alongside personal issues have impacted my creative motivation in some ways, though I've been creating "VHS shorts" as a means to make the filmmaking process fun again and reduce the pressure of needing to create something "good". I've been working on paintings as well. Aiming to get a driver license and car for the first time at age 31 (better late than never!) and just trying to play around with my new PC and phone, which I've just set up so I can post and edit my site on the go! That's about all I have to say as a general update in regards to my creative output. I foresee many creative projects on the horizon, but as an artist I've learned not to push myself to burnout or "force" creativity. Whatever I do has to come from a place of desire or inspiration rather than a sense of obligation. I try to find ways to make life fun and express myself when I have my head clear...

#update #creator #blog #journal #director #artist #filmmaker #musician #news

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