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Weirdest thing is that as a child I remember being just as I am now, and my internal process was even similar and I can actually think back to a specific age and remember things I thought and logged away at the time and place myself there - and I have been very consistent in key ways - my values have remained consistent and I always had a unique innate sense of integrity independent of what was expected of me to the point of defiance - but I believe in predestiny to a degree and I believe my soul was very intentional about who I was going to be and that seems profoundly so. I struggle making this make sense for others. But I do get me - the issue hasn’t been me not understanding the WHAT or WHY but struggling to articulate my experience to people who’d have no way of understanding it unless they’d followed my character arch from the beginning and watched all of it to truly empathize with just much sense I actually make in the grand scheme of it all. I seem weirder bc I see more of the picture and know and can sorta make out the ultimate reality I’m aiming to manifest but you’d have to be inside my mind to grasp it and why all of this stuff about me that others just think is nonsense is actually intentional and relatively logical from where I’m standing. Imagine watching a movie but you only see one scene - you have zero context for why the character is doing that, who they are - you see just the basic details of the scene - and that’s what it feels like to me when I meet someone who just kinda pops into my life at a weird part - it’s like how do I get you on board with this? I kinda gotta rewind a bit to catch you up maybe so you’re more prone to be where I am and on my wavelength. Gotta walk you through the journey. Otherwise what I recognize is people think they’ve sized me up but it is completely wrong. They see superficial things like my style choice and think that says something about what I’m like but that’s just character customization and a few years ago I was wearing floral dresses and had bleached blond hair (truth!) and I’m really just having fun with my character … sometimes I lean into one thing and make that what I express more prominently on the outside. That’s why I can’t really say what I’m “like” in a way you’ll “get”. Because I feel like an old baby and a grandma and an alien and a teen girl and a lot of seemingly unrelated things that are related only in that somehow they all at once describe me. But that isn’t a thing that exists - so I love goth stuff and love dressing that way but that isn’t really a factor in what makes me me. So I dunno how to connect this to any external thing that exists for it to feel like I’m “amongst my people” - there’s not a group for whatever I am. “My people” don’t have a common look or anything superficial that connects us but it’s that strange intuitive knowing that’s unmistakable - it could be a cashier at a store and I can tell they can see into my soul but it’s not in a scary way, but a familiar way - like they are close in energy. Like maybe our frequencies are just more in sync than other people. I can’t actively find those people on purpose bc it’s that depth that’s the commonality, it’s whatever makes me me deep down below the surface - and whatever makes them them - it’s more of a feeling of being HOME. Like our souls know each other but our personas don’t. I’m searching for a very specific blend of energy that can’t be easily defined but I AM that - and they won’t look any which way I can recognize on the surface, but I know by the energy - I know when someone can REALLY see me. It’s just beyond words. I AM in fact looking for more ME. But what about ME is resonating with them, is what I’m not sure of. How are we the same? It’s an energy thing and that’s why it’s hard to quantify or classify. You could have zero common interests but feel like your soul is parallel to mine in a familiar way where we just get each other somehow. It’s not the interests or hobbies - those are incidental - who you are is what I tend to sense and love or not. I sense the energy over all else and that’s the most important factor. I feel it when I’ve encountered one of my own, and sometimes it has been a random homeless guy I talked to or the lady at the grocery store or a friend of mine…

this is my brain …

I think in my own voice talking internally nonstop. Like in a movie where the character narrates everything. I imagine conversations and imagine myself reflecting on whatever I’m doing right now - as if in hindsight - like I’m recalling it to someone else. My brain talks to itself - like a conversation.

Sometimes yes, I can picture things and I’ll have songs in my head most of the time, my brain jumps around from thing to thing, remembering things, talking, looking forward, thinking about what I want, asking myself questions. I have a great recall of faces and weird factoids. There’s a lot of ways in which my neurotype helps in my creative endeavors with lateral / outside-the-box thinking and solutions…

But, I may forget something immediately or my brain may hyper focus on some shit I can’t move on from that happened a long time ago, while struggling to be present or gather the energy to perform any new tasks. I sometimes zone out for long periods of time losing track of time/space and just in my brain. Pictures, talking, music, feelings - it’s madness.

It’s chaos. It’s why I say so often it’s really not good for a person like me to spend too much time alone bc it’s so easy to get taken away by trains of thought headed in sporadic directions or think myself into despair and no,

I can not really control it honestly. I have to deliberately MAKE MYSELF think other thoughts that counter the intrusive thoughts.

Like the thought may be like “nobody likes me and I should give up” and then I’ll have to jump in and deliberately think “some people like me and I’ve only just begun and we’ve barely left this town, etc…”

I refer to myself as WE sometimes but it’s like a “Freudian slip” bc there’s like so many “me’s” in my head. I’m not sure which one is accurate. I have too many conflicting beliefs that sometimes I don’t know what to trust.

They say trust yourself but that’s not a good bit of advice for me bc I may have two completely opposing views at the same time. And I just FREEZE in place and do nothing.

I can not always tell what’s trauma and what’s intuition. I can not always tell what’s anxiety and what’s truth.

But being alone all the time worsens that because between the overactive brain and being in a small environment without structure or change or movement, it’s easy to get derailed. It’s why it’s gotten so bad in the past bc I need structure and I need people - even just accountability partners here and there to feel me in and keep me focused on the present.

To understand me is to understand that I have to work with a brain like that every day and I wish people could experience that because they’d be a lot more forgiving and understanding of me if they knew what it was like to BE ME…

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