SOME STUFF that matters to me right now...

Here are some things I feel are helpful I wish more people knew...

*90% of the time I just want affection, kindness, intimacy. I'm asked "What do you need?" Maybe a hug, to be appreciated, a smile, a compliment...

*Sometimes I just need my own thought process presented to me to realize where I've been sabotaging myself - maybe I'd been overthinking something, or looking at the wrong part of the whole.

*A pattern of having my trust abused has it seems made me edgy regarding contacting and communicating with people, I may assume I'm being ghosted or people don't care and catastrophize if someone doesn't get back to me right away. This is something to overcome for sure.

*I don't care if I'm an adult - sometimes I need things explained in simple, concise answers and clear directions so I can stay sharp and not get stressed.

*Sometimes I don't want to talk about it - sometimes there aren't adequate words to get you to really understand, and talking about it might just make it worse.

*Being pressured to do things doesn't inspire me. I'm stubborn and very much an aquarius in that I have to decide for myself that I want to do something myself.

*I run on my time - maybe sometimes I sleep less, or not at all, or I sleep from 2am until 2PM and I don't demand anything else from myself - I learned to trust and accept what my body wants and does.

*Sometimes we just gotta keep it light - I deal with a lot of things at once, I have big dreams, and a lot I'd like to do in my life - sometimes it's better to take things in the direction of little, petty pleasures and distract from the heavy stuff.

*I often have more fun just wandering around, talking, goofing around and chatting with a friend or two rather than doing something like playing games or going to a party. I'd rather go look at cool houses in an interesting neighborhood, lurk around graveyards and climb rocks at the beach, or just muck around like hapless kids.

*I always say I wanna read - but sometimes I can only force myself to read when I absolutely am unable to do anything else - and usually I will pick up a book at random that I care less about and just commit to it.

*I realize I can not force creativity if it just doesn't wanna happen. Inspiration and flow state comes when it comes.

*Sometimes maybe I just want a tasty drink and a Quest bar.

*Often times I just want to be heard, understood, validated. I sometimes feel I am carrying heavy burdens and very much alone in this - and I want someone to hear me and be there with me. If nothing else than to just listen while I vent. It isn't good to keep it all bottled up.

Funky Feelings / Feeling Stuck (06-19-19)

Sometimes I feel lost or stuck or foggy and I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to talk about it - I don't know how to talk about it. I don't know what I need. I can list things I don't prefer, but that's unhelpful. I can list things that might help, but I don't know what it is that is being helped. It's a funky feeling, and it's not really sad or anxious or anything. It's just blankness, fogginess... I dunno. Often times I just want to scream whatever it is out, do something bizarre and spontaneous and then shift focus - like get up, jump around, run outside, go nuts. Then settle down and re-focus. When I am being asked to sit still, be quiet, conform, act this or that way, behave this or that way and it is in conflict to what I feel I need to do... It is sometimes hard for me to play nicely as a result. My inner self is saying "No, I need to not do that!" and the people around me say "Do this!"

Sometimes I just want to isolate - other times I want to be around the right kinds of people. But sometimes I can't find the right kinds of people. SOmetimes I just want to be by myself, but only if I already feel comfortable and satisfied. If I am feeling the way I feel when I feel foggy, unsure, blank, funky... I don't really know what I need in that moment. Sometimes it's hard to stay present. Sometimes my mind goes off, and I don't pay attention to it. It wants to talk and talk, and I just want to be chill and quiet. I stop paying attention to it, and instead I don't really end up doing much. I will feel disconnected from "inner being" / "source energy" and not really inspired to do much. And that... that really sucks, honestly. But it's alright, I feel. Because in total, my life is moving forward swiftly and surely. I am bound to have crash days, or days where I feel lost or stuck. I am bound to have days where I am in full bliss, in my power, not letting anything get me down (like yesterday). It's a balancing act, and I accept this. Right now I might just want a snack or some money to go get something quick. Right now I might just want to NOT talk about problems and issues with people. I am constantly in group sessions at a group living situation... Therapy group and mental illness talk is pretty constant. I love it here, but maybe I need a break from focusing on negatives and instead focus on strengths and beauty in the world and positive horizons and everything that is working out for me instead of dwelling on where others may see fault. In essence, maybe I just want to chill and do happy things and treat myself more. And I will going forward, but again - right now I just don't necessarily know what I ought to be doing with myself. So I blog or journal - getting these thoughts out into the open may help.

GRATITUDE (6-18-19)

* Noticing and changing bad behavioral patterns and thoughts for the better

*Adapting and growing and accepting changes with humility

*Caring less what others think and more what I think

*Being kind to myself - allowing myself the time and space to heal, grow, progress

*Being okay with making mistakes or feeling weak or upset - not pressuring myself to feel anything

*I am grateful for the group home and the help I get to become the person I want to be

*I am grateful for nice weather and sun

*I am grateful for the abundant opportunities starting to fall into line for me

*I am grateful for the love I receive and the moments I tap into my own heart

*I am grateful when I get to share my joys and my gifts with others

*I love my turntable, record collection, my bass guitar, my synth, my laptop, my amazing cinema camera, my skills and my willingness to create and improve upon my gifts and bring joy into my life through said creations.

*I am grateful for herbal remedies such as CBD hemp to help aid in my being present, happy, grateful, and euphoric in times of stress and upset.

*I am grateful for doctors and therapists and life coaches and attentive family to help guide me and ensure I am working at my best and feeling my best.

*I am grateful for new friends, new social experiences, new group projects, new ways to share with others in a meaningful way.

*I am grateful for my body, my face, my hair, and the ability to change those things and become healthier and stronger. I am grateful for feeling confident in what I see in myself physically, and allowing my physical self to reflect the joy and the beauty within as I cultivate it.

*I am grateful for the opportunity to access internet, blog, upload videos, share music to stream, sell things online, purchase things online, communicate with others remotely. I use these tools daily and do not take them for granted.

*I am grateful for everything I have experienced and every decision I have made that got me to this very moment right now, as it has helped provide contrast from which to draw better, more preferable conditions and experiences. Feeling my lowest in the past has made me more prone to grasp at feelings of happiness and joy now.

*I am grateful for access to healthy, vegan foods I love to eat.

*I am grateful for biking and public transportation to help me get around to where I need to go swiftly and safely despite not driving myself.

*I am grateful for the positive changes being made in society as we move towards a more inclusive, fair and loving way of life.

*I am grateful for the arts as a means of expression, inspiration and motivation. I love to observe art and create art as often as possible.

*I am grateful for surprises, new things to observe, new things to learn, new sensations that please me.

*I am grateful for my little dog Charlotte, who is the cutest, most lovable creature I have ever known. She exudes endless love and I love her with all my heart.

*I am grateful for repairing relationships

*I am grateful for the financial help that I get - I am very blessed.

*I am grateful for my insurance that covers my treatment and care.

*I am grateful for binaural beats, guided meditations and instructional self-help videos.

*I am grateful for easy access to health supplements and healthy coping strategies.

*I am grateful for my ever-improving quality of life, my improving mood, and my improving sense of self empowerment.

*I am grateful for my natural charm and kind nature that is showing itself more and more as I work on myself.

*I am grateful for others allowing me the space and time to work and grow at a pace that works for me, and encouraging me to push myself.

*I am grateful for time to myself where I can truly explore the positive aspects of who I am.

*I am grateful for my childlike nature, my silly and giddy attitude, my youthful spirit that feels both new and wise beyond my years.

*I am grateful for moments of peace, serenity, and freedom from worries or self-pressure.

*I am grateful for swift, productive and exciting new days.

*Protein powders and vegan protein bars.

*Fruits!!!

*My colorful awesome clothing - looking good and feeling good.

*Taking walks outside.