A musing on self and the paradoxical nature of healing and perception...

I feel have too much going on inside, too much considering of too many things. As far as WHO I AM goes, I've had people tell me I'm opposing things, I have felt so confident and then been told I am NOT who I thought I was, and I've never ever felt like whoever I was, I was ALLOWED to be that person and ACCEPTED as that person.

In the deepest and most existentially dreadful sense,

I have never felt like I CAN just be accepted as "me" and I have been told that everything I AM is a "disorder" I somehow need to "heal / fix" and it's gotten to the point where there is no possible answer, no version of me that is WITHOUT a thing I need to fix, no version of me that ever seems acceptable to anyone, and no version of me I can even mentally conceive OF other than this one at this moment, because I can only conceive of as much as I have already conceived, or experienced, or witnessed....

The entire nature of life is paradoxical, and there is not a right answer. There's no beginning or end, there is no objective, there is no right or wrong. I never know who the heck I'll be, I change over time, and as such who you knew five years ago may look similar, but it isn't the same "me".

The ego is changeable. We just really believe that IS us. But I am standing BEHIND that ego, and that ego changes, as more qualities sorta form. That's why it's so strange, because I CAN be a lot of things - but it's hard for me to tell anyone else what I'm like. Because I can't be sure if what I see myself to be IS what they would see as well.

How do I know what THEY perceive?

Now in terms of self-love - which parts of what I consider "myself" am I supposed to love, and which ones am I supposed to "change" - and what IF the things I'm asked to change are the things about myself I really LIKE? And what if the trauma I'm struggling with IS the trauma of having NEVER FELT like I was "good enough" and constantly having been ASKED TO CHANGE rather than ever being considered "acceptable" or "liked" the way I am?

A lot of the time, I have ended up liking the parts of myself that many may have felt were the parts that needed changing. I'm resistant to the term "healing" because it suggests I am defective or broken somehow, or that I am not already healing, that maybe all of life is a continual process of ADJUSTING and there is no broken or fixed or measure for who we should be!?

And everyone has a different idea of what "okay" or "healed" or "normal" is - but who's version of ME am I to judge by? Should I change one part because YOU don't like it? What are the parts of me I am to recognize as "keep" and what parts of me are "fix that"?

Really... it's NOT that simple - people just don't really consider the complexity of it...

SELF-LOVE to me is more about HONORING and accepting whatever I am right now, whatever I feel, my perception, etc. The idea that there is something WRONG carries the energy and suggestion of "fault / bad / defect" thereby is contrary to LOVE - which is akin to acceptance, appreciation, ENOUGHNESS! AWESOME AS-IS!

When you introduce the concept "healing", there's resistance. Because now - "What's wrong that I need to fix?" and now you feel BROKEN or defective...and that's not self-loving. When one is looking FOR PROBLEMS, they find them!

Wanna know when I've felt MOST CONFIDENT?

When I was around people who didn't question me, and had a similar energy, and we had a good time together, and I was allowed to be whoever I was. That's it...it's so simple.

If I am neurodivergent by nature, so "normal" isn't even a thing I can be, by definition. Thus, how would I know what normal was FOR ME? If I have never been considered to be where I ought to be, and I'm apparently always "not there" and I'm always defective someway, and I spent most of my life depressed, then REALLY - "normal" for me is depressed and hating myself, thus isn't "healed" or "self-love" - so am I trying to heal, be normal, or be happy? Become HAPPIER? ?

That won't really happen as long as I continue to poke and prod and criticize myself and let others dictate what about me I must fix or change, because that's already BEEN the issue getting in the way of me loving myself. SEE? SEE? It's a trap!

-MM

PEOPLE are more valuable

I see PEOPLE as more valuable than money, because even WITH money, I can not BUY love and friendship, thus what I need and seek most in life is not PURCHASED. Therefore money holds even LESS meaning to me than it may to someone else.

There's not much I can picture in my head that is a MATERIAL item I yearn for requiring money beyond perhaps a home or a nice camper/RV to live and travel in - or both. I kinda have all the things I need, pretty much - but not as much the sense of love or belonging or connection or the sense that people love and see me for ME.

I already own my own film, music and art gear, I have a computer, maybe not the greatest stuff, but it works and I have it! It does what it should do!

But STUFF is not the same as one person to spend my days with who I adore, who I wish to learn more and more about. My intentions are genuine and pure but around most people, they react to me as if it's weird or wrong to place importance in people. It's taboo, it's needy, but then they talk on and on about their independent business. There is this toxic "DIY" hustle bullshit - even as a DIY punk sorta creative type I think to a degree what's done as a team can move mountains with less effort than one person alone, and the more energy you get behind a cause, the more motion you can make. I see strength in unity and community and bonding. I do so much, but I still need friends, I still need someone who has my back in the world, who sees me for the human I am, not the commodity or how valuable what I produce is to them (or not)...

I think it's weird and superficial NOT to care about people or prioritize connections as that is one of the most primal, core human needs whether we like it or not. We are really fucking weird and cool without needing to DO anything, just by existing - and for me, as someone who's often been so lonely that the loneliness itself is the nature of most of my trauma and pain... I have this great appreciation for whoever I am lucky enough to grow a deep connection with. It's obvious people are important and a large part of my whole path.

All of my art is just portraits of weird CHARACTERS. My takeaway from a film is usually what the characters vibes were, how they looked, their whole thing - not so much the plotline. I usually only really play a game so much as to create the character. It's all people. My art is people. I like to film PEOPLE, I only really wanna photograph a human subject and have no interest in still life or landscapes - my favorite movies are ones like CLERKS, SLACKER, Jim Jarmusch stuff like DOWN BY LAW... movies that are character pieces - slice-of-life, ensemble films revolving purely around people and interactions. See the theme there? That's obviously a big part of why I'm here on earth at all. PEOPLE. Connecting. Relating to other people. Relationships with other people. Interacting. Talking to people. Get it? I know what I'm all about, friend. I've always been this way as long as I hold conscious memory.

I wish I could say these things without the ensuing lecture because I have heard it all before. But I can not lie to myself regarding what I already know matters to me most.