Approaching the New Moon, and today I had some extreme flare-ups of negative, counterintuitive, reductive, negative, ugly thoughts and feelings. Typically, I am able to be fairly mindful, aware, and observant of my own mind, and have gotten better at clearing my mind to the point where I can just feel without judgment or "labeling". Today was a big ol' ego day. I wasn't proud of what I was allowing - or seemingly unable to control - in my own mind.

I had issues with my mom today. It's been a persistent issue, and our relationship has been of great stress and upset in my daily life. It is chiefly the reason I got my ass in gear, threw caution to the wind and made the choice to run out of the house - even without a place to go - and end up on the street, eventually ending up here at this group home where I now reside. Today over text, I was attempting to plan today out with her - and it unraveled into an argument of sorts. I remained completely calm and balanced for the most part until I felt her "pointing fingers" became unruly. I let it get to me - I frankly could NOT hold the feelings and the running narrative down. I imagined giving her a big speech, and I ran over a planned conversation, and reran harsh words I recall her saying to me. I was fuming all day. In contrast with yesterday, when I felt this great wash of love and bliss and optimism and peace... I volunteered helping with the packaging of meals for hungry children across the globe and felt like I was actually doing something helpful, so in turn my mood was light. Today, with the new June energy I feel like it's really bringing up tons of repressed anger, frustration, and sadness. If I was turning inside today, it was all negative self talk. I reflect now - the same day as these aforementioned events - though now I feel calm and collected by comparison. I feel at peace here.

When I went to my old home yesterday evening (after the volunteer work) I started feeling the weight of the energy that held me down before. Like I stepped into a crime scene. I was roped back into that negativity, the old negative memories. I stuck around to see a friend, but still I couldn't allow myself to really settle or have any fun.

It's clear I need to move forward fearlessly and with strength. There's a great part of me that is shining like the sun, marching forward with joy and love... and this dischordant, rude, negative dark cloud "versioN" of me that's built up over time still grabbing onto my spirit for dear life - pulling some punches. I would like to rid myself of this negativity as much as possible because I can see so much wonder and goodness on the horizon. I am going to take it easy.

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I am grateful for this bed here, in the group home, which is comfortable. I am grateful to have my space here, with my belongings. I am grateful for the cool air coming in through the window. I am grateful for my new laptop I am using to type this now. I am grateful for my body, which is healthy and mobile. I am grateful for my glasses that help me see clearer. I am grateful for the nicer weather, which I enjoy daily. I am grateful for fruits and vegetables to eat. I am grateful for the internet which gives me access to unlimited knowledge, videos and music. I am grateful for nice people, in every corner of the world and everywhere I end up being. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for ride services to help get me around, and I am grateful for trains and public buses for the same reason. I am grateful for my smart phone and grateful for the unlimited data service plan so I can access music, talk, text, videos, and use online apps with ease any time. I am grateful for my spirituality and the divine grace I possess, and the ability to tap into this infinite bliss and peace through practice and patience. I am grateful for all the wonder and miracles life has presented to me. I am grateful for my money and my health insurance. I am grateful for my camera and my musical instruments which I use to create incredible creative works that live up to and exceed my own expectations. I am grateful for my passions which are intense and bring me great joy. I am grateful for the sun, which brings me clarity, happiness, and vibrant energy. I am grateful for doctors and therapists to help people like me find some balance. I am grateful for exercise and the fact that I have the energy, stamina and strength to take part. I am grateful for the gym membership and the walking track I have access to. I am grateful for meetup groups to take part in activities with others I can relate to. I am grateful for spiritual centers and meditation groups. I am grateful for yoga classes I wish to attend. I am grateful for my writing skills which make it fairly easy to communicate via text. I am grateful for my ability to sing and improve on said skill. I am grateful for having access to art supplies and being able to express myself through the medium of art. I am grateful for my friends, who come and go and leave an impression - for better or worse - and the knowing I can always easily make more friends who take an important role in my life. I am grateful for dogs, all around, and my dog Charlotte. I am grateful for clean, pure water. I am grateful for life in general, which gets better and more interesting as it goes on.

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I recently had a brief experience being homeless. This isn't some 'whoa is me' tale or anything but rather a sharing of an experience that was striking and struck a chord with me in a profound way. I will keep it brief and straightforward...

I won't delve too deeply into torrid details or personal affairs, but I had an altercation with my mother one evening about a week or two ago, leading to me - in a brisk, thoughtless moment, grabbing some bags and rushing out the door to downtown Chicago to escape. I had nowhere to go and no money. My family was concerned and blowing up my phone with texts and calls until I hit "Do Not Disturb". It was now or never - and I wanted to head out into the distance and leave my past behind. But I had no idea how to leave, who to talk to or trust, and no money to sustain myself, as I said.

I ended up staying with a friend of mine I hadn't really seen too often in person... it was a big ask of him, but I gave it a shot as he had offered a place to stay sometime before if I ever needed it... and now I NEEDED it!!! So I ended up at his house. I was super nervous, and having grown to believe I was wholly inconsiderate and rude (something I constantly hear about myself), I was very afraid to ask for too much or impose. I always feel super burdensome around people and it's only ever really reinforced by the harsh words of some people I shall not name. I get it in my head I can't do anything right and I just bother everyone. So in a moment like this - where I was completely vulnerable and scared and needing support from someone else... I was nervous as all hell in my attempt to not push the offer too far. I stayed the night, gratefully accepted food and water. In the morning I headed out to wander Chicago until I could meet with my friend Liz to hang out for the day. I was lucky enough to have a friend to spend time with that particular day.

I have always felt like the energy in Chicago is overwhelming and largely tense and hostile - and now it seemed moreso. Not that anyone is rude or mean, but it's a very heavy and stressful city lacking the warmth I have felt in other areas. Now on the street, the tension and animosity felt insanely overwhelming. I met with Liz and we spent the day making music in the park and having lots of deep weighty conversations about our goals, passions, trials and tribulations, etc. I felt much of what Liz was saying really hit me hard and resonated deeply. The things she shared and felt I also had been feeling and experiencing my own way lately. We are both musicians and creative souls who long for the freedom to express and create freely without oppression. And inevitably we are stuck in the remnants of a society built largely against that. I felt the heaviness of Liz's pain but I wanted to be there. I didn't want her overwhelmed, but I knew that we were resonating on a similar frequency - for more or for less - and we ought to stick together for the time being. I do believe it's sometimes helpful to be around others who are feeling similar pains to me, even if it can keep me in that low frequency state - it's also beneficial at the same time in that nobody is invalidating the others' feelings or experiences and actually it can be quite healing to just be with someone and let these thoughts and feelings stew until we naturally come to an ease.

Liz and I made music, and by nightfall we decided to head up to Wisconsin to hit up the music room in a school Liz has access to. I asked to stop by my house and try to sneak in quickly to grab more of my belongings, hoping I wouldn't run into my Mom but figuring if I were quick it may be okay. Lo and behold when we showed up, she was there and pursued me up the stairs to my room as I frantically tried to shove whatever I could grab into my bag. Before she could call the cops and in the midst of the heightening tension I rushed out the door again, having forgotten most of what I had intended to grab while there. Liz and I carried on to the school in Kenosha anyway.

I hung in the music room - my smartphone dying - until I decided to return to the car to meditate and rest for a moment. Liz gave me the car keys and I exited the building under the assumption the doors would be locked and I'd be unable to head inside once I exited.

I sat in the car and zoned out, and the weight of my situation was really starting to hit me hard. I had no solid idea of where to go - no support to rely on - and a dying idea of who I was. I had no future I could trust. And I was now in Kenosha, locked out of a building, phone dying, no money, and in the middle of a rainstorm. I sort of sunk into an utter blankness - like I was conscious but dead. My ego was basically gasping for air and my soul seemed far away. I was completely out of balance and I knew it. I meditated until Liz came outside to the car and we took off South, back towards Chicago. I reached out to my friend who had lent me the couch at his place as we high-tailed it back to the city. My panic was becoming unbearable. We finally reached the city, but it was far too late for me to call my friend about the place to stay, so Liz dropped me at a 24-hour restaurant. I instead made my way to a 24 hour "DUNKIN DONUTS" and basically vegged out, making apologetic glances at the worker behind the counter. There was another gentleman in there all night asleep at a table. I began to feel very grateful that the worker behind the counter was allowing us to stay there for so long - and I used that time to charge my phone and laptop until sun-up, listening to my Abraham-Hicks speeches, some Victor Oddo, and catching up on some tarot and the like... anything to tap into that spiritual source energy and regain my power. I felt myself draining, however. I knew this couldn't sustain. Upon sun-up and towards 9AM, I headed to the friends' house - who had agreed to allow me in to grab my chargers. While there, I attempted to call several homeless shelters and mental health clinics as well as in-patient facilities before my friend gave me some cash to get myself to Des Plaines to try to check myself into a psychiatric hospital. I made my way - in a rather "half-baked" daze - t0 Des Plaines, first hopping on a bus.

Nervously on this CTA bus, I watched as a rain-soaked woman in tears begged the driver to let her on despite not having money. She said she had been abused and needed to get to a shelter. My eyes widened and I felt myself sink within... like my insides just fell right out and my heart melted. She sat right beside me, bursting into tears. I felt just overwhelmed with fear and pain. I frantically reached into my bag and grabbed my list of shelters and clinics and tried to give them to her, shaking. I really wanted to help her - but she said it was fine. I offered her the ten dollar bill and she wiped her tears and said it was okay, and I should keep it. I felt terrified like a scared dog. I kept telling her I was homeless and I wanted to help her... like my mind and mouth were struggling to even make sense of what I was sensing and experiencing. I wanted to offer her something... But she insisted it was fine. Everyone on the bus was smiling, warm and loving. I felt this great loving energy. Everyone comforted the woman, and smiled at me - one woman telling me I was kind in a rather knowing way. Someone told me "Take care of yourself". I got off the bus at the end and then got on a Metra train to Des Plaines. Luckily, the stars aligned as much that I got there relatively sress-free.

I was eventually admitted into a hospital to be stabilized and taken to a treatment center. This experience really put things into perspective and while I now may be facing a resurgence of grumpiness, drowsiness or low frequency emotions - I have this strong, burning inner knowing that this is in fact EXACTLY where I need to be right now, and that my intuition has lead me to this group home and throught that turmoil to grant me that perspective and in turn bolster a greater sense of gratitude for just how loved and protected I really am - both in my physical reality and also within the spiritual and metaphysical realm. .I am really working to become my best self and now I must be kind and respectful of the fact that I may experience these perceived "setbacks" or "rough patches" in order to re-orient and place myself back onto a track that will actually lead me in the direction I need to travel forward.

Count your blessings and allow yourself to experience and feel without judgment. It is hard but in those moments of clarity and mindful observation I can really begin to see where I place and allow that true peace. Focus on love!

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