STORY: "Tentacles...And Why Are You Prudent, Stan?"

[[The following text was originally written in 2012]]


This is dedicated to everyone with a noggin and more specifically Glenn Ohman. If you are tagged, that means you are cool enough. Write your own story sometime, like when you're high, drunk, tired, on caffeine, bored...just write. This is an older one from my other Facebook account.


The. Stan standed with a quickstand on sand. Maria Bamshoot was British and had cotton stuffed in each nostril, her heavily lip-sticked lips puckered in disgust. The. Two gargantuan blue toads rested wearily on two stuffed coaches. It was a daisy chain of circus clowns from the 70's juggling robot babies. Two dropped to the ground. The. Two tutu-wearing girls named Tia ate meatloaf through a straw at the Captain Kangaroo cafe. It was a The kind of day.


Everywhere you looked, there was a The. There were so many The's that all the That's were getting booted out of town by the giant boot machine. Isn't that so Suessical? I thought so too, which is why I videotaped the whole thing with my 35mm camera and made it into a movie called "Date Night" starring Steve Carell and Barbados Tim. That movie made alot of caterpillar children laugh. And I'm glad I could've been a part of tit.


Barbados Tim was a man from Columbia, Washington who talked about Barbados so much he turned into a native and everyone forgot he had a full name. Started calling him that. He always wanted to travel to Jurassic Park, Canada to meet up with his nephew, but he never got around to it because he was a busy accountant for a shark and dolphin factory.


Sharks and Dolphins are the same thing, only Dolphins are the nice version and Sharks are mean. That's a fact, look it up. I learned it all in Preschool where it always smelled like one of the kids pooped their pants and probably did. Bunch of retards they were, running around dead in the eyes while I tried to connect with them but couldn't because I'm superior to the average Preschooler and always have been. One time this kid walked right out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles, stuck out his butt, and pointed to it beckoning the teacher to wipe him. I never would have done that, I had shame for crying out loud.

Bridge Tony was one of the teachers there. Bridge Tony and Stiff Tina. Stiff Tina was the other teacher, and she was tight as hell. She always wore spandex outfits. Bridge Tony was a older man with a beard who sounded like Burl Ives when he spoke. He had pepper hair and a warm smile. They used to read to us then go out back and fuck while we all slept. I used to have this clan going with the other kids, three boys. We were planning to overthrow the daycare teachers' and run the place ourselves. And we could've, but Stiff Tina caught on and sent us all to timeout one day and never let us out. We stayed there for years, watching Stiff Tina and Bridge Tony age over time, watching Stiff Tina turn into Loose Tina, all saggy and gross. When we reached the age of 18 they let us out and we went our separate ways.


So we were finally free, and each of us got a respective job at one of the many shops that lined the street of our main town. I worked at a video store for almost 2 years, and over that time I met one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Her name was Toast, and she was a professional superhero and dentist. She'd come in costume on some days to rent out some classic movies, and other days she'd come dressed as a dentist and order JAWS and any other film involving teeth. "Teeth" the movie hadn't come out yet, this was like 1993. But she was fantastic, she'd tell me all sorts of wonderful stories from her daily life, stories about her dad who fought in the Revolutionary war and her mother who was President Roosevelt's maid's daughter. She talked in a very peculiar manner, lisping and stumbling over other words. She'd mix up sounds, almost creating her own language. She said she was from Winnipeg but I had a feeling she was from Boston.


We fell in love, until one day she died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I started dating her identical twin sister. We hung out in the video store watching bad movies and eating ice cream. Toast's death was hard on both of us, but we were always there for each other. Her name was Bread, and like her sister, she was also a superhero. She'd up and run off and fly away every so often when her watch lit up. She knew where crime was at every second.