STORY: AND HIS NAME WAS...

Updated: Feb 16, 2019

[[Originally written 2014]]


And his name was Dennis Vader, he climbed the hills with his sword at the end credits the children applauded and their parents sat idly by waiting for the commotion to settle before they left the theater and went back to their homes like Bagley's dad who drove the family station wagon faster than anyone the boy had ever seen and whistled tunes over the roar of the radio as Mom fussed with her hair that resembled the catch of the day for a sailor at sea, his brother sitting by his side, a boy of 17 who had with him always his girlfriend wrapped around his shoulders whispering in his ear about the seedy things they did behind the bleachers in the school gymnasium with it's polished floors she had once tainted after a night of drunken partying by vomiting all over, and the principal came in and she was whisked away quicker than her boyfriend could comprehend and she was sentenced to menial tasks around the school while the others were forced to do the same and decided to co-form a special club of custodian teenagers who's first task was to annihilate those who oppressed them in any way, shape, or form, and that included Franny T. Wilkers, the school's nerdiest nerd who's father was the mayor and probably the worst in the entire town history, in fact once he had even passed a town bill that stated no persons under the age of 18 could consume fish products which lead to a complete town outcry and constant picketing which was finally halted when a drifter from the outback of Australia set everyone straight with his reasoning skills he had learned en route to America on a shuttle driven by one Drake Harring, a man with two faces and four arms, a child born of wedlock who ended up being the best damned shuttle driver around if you ask local gun shop owner Willber Bone Hawkins, who's daughter was Tiskerville's town whore, in fact she had been with everyone from Elvis to Marvin the Martian and she had legs which could wrap around a man twice before the rest of her even touched him, yes you heard me correct this is Stacy Hawkins we're talking, the girl who gave brave Johnny Fighter the clap and ruined his dreams of becoming an archeologist which he had dreamed about since he was a little girl in Saskatoon, before the operation which made him the man he is today, way back in 1976 on a cold dreary night Jane Fighter as he was called then approached the front desk and demanded the receptionist, "I want the best damned doctor in Saskatoon what can make me a real man!" to which the receptionist replied, "The best doctor you will find lies beyond the cavern of the Wild Ringabeast 40 miled west and 20 miles east," and sent the girl on her way, and little did she know this doctor of which the receptionist spoke was none other than Riley Shats and oh no, he was no doctor, but instead a mad scientist who had worked on many experiments focusing on the rather peculiar fusing of Ringabeast bodies to human heads and vice versa, in fact it was he who invented the term "vice versa" as a child as an easier way to say "the other way around" for which he was awarded an award of redundancy at the Award Awards Ceremony Ceremony in Rileyville, a town in which not only he but everyone around him was named Riley, man or woman, child or adult, and once he left he had his named changed to Ricky but was abruptly put to death upon entering a town where being named Ricky was against the law, and many Ricky's had tried entering to no avail as they were all shot in the head and their skulls prominently displayed on pikes in what was called the Head Garden, which by now has been long forgotten as buildings were put up in its place to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the town's existence, once of which being the bank which on it's first day was robbed by two men on horseback wearing Nixon masks and donning t-shirts bedazzled in jewels, which explains their nickname the "Jewel Twins", who we now know were actually two sisters exactly two years apart who were only stealing the money to support their dying mother, a woman of 100 years who had seen the town grow from one single building to a thriving community in her lifetime but had only began a family well into her old age, with a father who was too cowardly to stick around and raise the children and instead ran off and became Mario Lopez.