this is my brain …
I think in my own voice talking internally nonstop. Like in a movie where the character narrates everything. I imagine conversations and imagine myself reflecting on whatever I’m doing right now - as if in hindsight - like I’m recalling it to someone else. My brain talks to itself - like a conversation.
Sometimes yes, I can picture things and I’ll have songs in my head most of the time, my brain jumps around from thing to thing, remembering things, talking, looking forward, thinking about what I want, asking myself questions. I have a great recall of faces and weird factoids. There’s a lot of ways in which my neurotype helps in my creative endeavors with lateral / outside-the-box thinking and solutions…
But, I may forget something immediately or my brain may hyper focus on some shit I can’t move on from that happened a long time ago, while struggling to be present or gather the energy to perform any new tasks. I sometimes zone out for long periods of time losing track of time/space and just in my brain. Pictures, talking, music, feelings - it’s madness.
It’s chaos. It’s why I say so often it’s really not good for a person like me to spend too much time alone bc it’s so easy to get taken away by trains of thought headed in sporadic directions or think myself into despair and no,
I can not really control it honestly. I have to deliberately MAKE MYSELF think other thoughts that counter the intrusive thoughts.
Like the thought may be like “nobody likes me and I should give up” and then I’ll have to jump in and deliberately think “some people like me and I’ve only just begun and we’ve barely left this town, etc…”
I refer to myself as WE sometimes but it’s like a “Freudian slip” bc there’s like so many “me’s” in my head. I’m not sure which one is accurate. I have too many conflicting beliefs that sometimes I don’t know what to trust.
They say trust yourself but that’s not a good bit of advice for me bc I may have two completely opposing views at the same time. And I just FREEZE in place and do nothing.
I can not always tell what’s trauma and what’s intuition. I can not always tell what’s anxiety and what’s truth.
But being alone all the time worsens that because between the overactive brain and being in a small environment without structure or change or movement, it’s easy to get derailed. It’s why it’s gotten so bad in the past bc I need structure and I need people - even just accountability partners here and there to feel me in and keep me focused on the present.
To understand me is to understand that I have to work with a brain like that every day and I wish people could experience that because they’d be a lot more forgiving and understanding of me if they knew what it was like to BE ME…