June 1st, 2019 - Rocky Start

Approaching the New Moon, and today I had some extreme flare-ups of negative, counterintuitive, reductive, negative, ugly thoughts and feelings. Typically, I am able to be fairly mindful, aware, and observant of my own mind, and have gotten better at clearing my mind to the point where I can just feel without judgment or "labeling". Today was a big ol' ego day. I wasn't proud of what I was allowing - or seemingly unable to control - in my own mind.

I had issues with my mom today. It's been a persistent issue, and our relationship has been of great stress and upset in my daily life. It is chiefly the reason I got my ass in gear, threw caution to the wind and made the choice to run out of the house - even without a place to go - and end up on the street, eventually ending up here at this group home where I now reside. Today over text, I was attempting to plan today out with her - and it unraveled into an argument of sorts. I remained completely calm and balanced for the most part until I felt her "pointing fingers" became unruly. I let it get to me - I frankly could NOT hold the feelings and the running narrative down. I imagined giving her a big speech, and I ran over a planned conversation, and reran harsh words I recall her saying to me. I was fuming all day. In contrast with yesterday, when I felt this great wash of love and bliss and optimism and peace... I volunteered helping with the packaging of meals for hungry children across the globe and felt like I was actually doing something helpful, so in turn my mood was light. Today, with the new June energy I feel like it's really bringing up tons of repressed anger, frustration, and sadness. If I was turning inside today, it was all negative self talk. I reflect now - the same day as these aforementioned events - though now I feel calm and collected by comparison. I feel at peace here.

When I went to my old home yesterday evening (after the volunteer work) I started feeling the weight of the energy that held me down before. Like I stepped into a crime scene. I was roped back into that negativity, the old negative memories. I stuck around to see a friend, but still I couldn't allow myself to really settle or have any fun.

It's clear I need to move forward fearlessly and with strength. There's a great part of me that is shining like the sun, marching forward with joy and love... and this dischordant, rude, negative dark cloud "versioN" of me that's built up over time still grabbing onto my spirit for dear life - pulling some punches. I would like to rid myself of this negativity as much as possible because I can see so much wonder and goodness on the horizon. I am going to take it easy.

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I am grateful for this bed here, in the group home, which is comfortable. I am grateful to have my space here, with my belongings. I am grateful for the cool air coming in through the window. I am gra