Funky Feelings / Feeling Stuck (06-19-19)
Sometimes I feel lost or stuck or foggy and I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to talk about it - I don't know how to talk about it. I don't know what I need. I can list things I don't prefer, but that's unhelpful. I can list things that might help, but I don't know what it is that is being helped. It's a funky feeling, and it's not really sad or anxious or anything. It's just blankness, fogginess... I dunno. Often times I just want to scream whatever it is out, do something bizarre and spontaneous and then shift focus - like get up, jump around, run outside, go nuts. Then settle down and re-focus. When I am being asked to sit still, be quiet, conform, act this or that way, behave this or that way and it is in conflict to what I feel I need to do... It is sometimes hard for me to play nicely as a result. My inner self is saying "No, I need to not do that!" and the people around me say "Do this!"
Sometimes I just want to isolate - other times I want to be around the right kinds of people. But sometimes I can't find the right kinds of people. SOmetimes I just want to be by myself, but only if I already feel comfortable and satisfied. If I am feeling the way I feel when I feel foggy, unsure, blank, funky... I don't really know what I need in that moment. Sometimes it's hard to stay present. Sometimes my mind goes off, and I don't pay attention to it. It wants to talk and talk, and I just want to be chill and quiet. I stop paying attention to it, and instead I don't really end up doing much. I will feel disconnected from "inner being" / "source energy" and not really inspired to do much. And that... that really sucks, honestly. But it's alright, I feel. Because in total, my life is moving forward swiftly and surely. I am bound to have crash days, or days where I feel lost or stuck. I am bound to have days where I am in full bliss, in my power, not letting anything get me down (like yesterday). It's a balancing act, and I accept this. Right now I might just want a snack or some money to go get something quick. Right now I might just want to NOT talk about problems and issues with people. I am constantly in group sessions at a group living situation... Therapy group and mental illness talk is pretty constant. I love it here, but maybe I need a break from focusing on negatives and instead focus on strengths and beauty in the world and positive horizons and everything that is working out for me instead of dwelling on where others may see fault. In essence, maybe I just want to chill and do happy things and treat myself more. And I will going forward, but again - right now I just don't necessarily know what I ought to be doing with myself. So I blog or journal - getting these thoughts out into the open may help.