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Short Story: "A STORY ABOUT GLOBES..."

[This is a short absurdist story written when I was a teen years ago - exhibiting my standard nonsensical style...]

Preface: This is best story.

"How the hell did you get up there?" Jessica shouted, standing on the front porch.

"Jealous? I can see the whole block from here," Harry said, hanging from the tree branch. He dropped to the ground. "Now where are the globes?"

"They're due to arrive any minute now. Thanks for getting down from there," Jessica sighed, hands on hips.

"How many globes are we to expect?" Harry asked, wiping soot off his shirt.

"As many as I see fit. You can never have enough globes," Jessica replied.

"Quick! Into the time machine!" came a voice from the end of the driveway. It was the old man neighbor, and he looked worried.

"What time machine?" Harry said, turning to look.

"The one I built out of my hybrid car, of course!" Old Man said. "We need to go back to 1955 and stop your parents from meeting!"

"But that would erase us from existence, why would we want to do that?" Jessica said, confused.

"Because they were nazis. They invented the atom bomb, and now all the clowns want the antidote to the disease your father infected them with!" Old Man screamed.

"Go back to your cage," Harry said. "They shouldn't have let you out."

The Old Man frowned, turned around, and walked back to his yard.

"I want ice cream," Jessica said, jumping up and down.

"I will get you ice cream if you pay me," Harry said.

"How much?" Jessica asked.

"As much as ice cream costs."

"Jeez, that depends on where you go to. Just get generic ice cream, I don't care," Jessica said.

"Only after you put on this bear costume," Harry said, pulling the costume out from behind him.

"For how long, Harry? For how long?" Jessica whined.

"For as long as it takes us to get ice cream," Harry said.

"But I'm 24 years old, why would I wear that?"

"Because I told you to," Harry said, pushing the costume in her face.

"Okay, fine," she said.

Jessica put on the bear costume, and they drove their stick shift shit car to the ice cream parlor. While there, the funny mustache man at the counter laughed at Jessica and she punched him in the face and growled like a bear. Harry commended her. They returned home to find their yard covered in globes.

"This is what we wanted, right?" Harry said, looking at the managerie of globes.

"That's not nearly enough. I want every square inch of the yard covered in globes," Jessica frowned.

"What for?" Harry asked.

"Because it's crazy and eccentric, and I always get my way," Jessica said.

"That is true, except when I interfere," Harry said.

"That's the dynamic we have between us. I make crazy decisions and you agree, with a catch. Hence why I am wearing a bear costume and why I had sex with you last night so I could watch New Girl."

"That's us in a nutshell," Harry laughed.

"No," said Austin Powers. "This is you in a nutshell." He mimed being trapped in a small space. "Help! I'm in a nutshell!"

"That's so 1997, get out of here," Harry said. Austin Powers left, but not before taking one of the globes.

"I want to open a dance club for under-priveleged black and latino 80s breakdancers," Jessica said.

"No you don't. I think you just want more globes," Harry said.

"That's probably true. I'm so high right now I can't tell what anything is," Jessica said wearily.

"Take off the bear costume, you'll straighten out soon enough. The fumes from the paint are getting to your head."

"Why are there paint fumes coming from the bear suit?" Jessica asked.

"Why not?" Harry answered. "Let's go inside and throw stuff at stuff." 

They went inside, and died. The End.


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